The Soldier of Gaia in Disguise

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By Andy T

GaiaFor millions of years the powers of Gaia have thundered across the earth, governing the unwritten laws of the world with ferocity, scintillating beauty and the inevitability of change. Today, the commodification of all things great and small is contesting these powers in a game it cannot win.

As this beast of industrialisation rages ignorantly against the powers of the goddess, many scientists, eco-warriors and politicians struggle to tame its chaos – all while the world’s ecosystems are being splintered to the core. The situation is dire. However, Japan, has a plan.

In the town of Nagoya, home of the trusty Toyota, representatives of 193 countries around the world met to address this environmental calamity at the Convention of Biological Diversity. Here delegates have conjured a new agent of revolution, a spark of hope. The humble accountant.

Realising humanity’s inability to adequately value clean air and fresh water, the meeting focused on reevaluating tools and techniques of environmental assessment. A greater emphasis was placed on thinking like the beast – integrating economic activity with biodiversity evaluation/protection. And the idea is already spreading.

In fact, a five year project, funded by the UK and backed by Mexico and India, is aiming to use accountants to measure ecosystems so there is more incentive to conserve them. And the more businesses assessing the environment, the greater the chance of protection. Well that’s the idea.

The talk even has World Bank President Robert Zoellick excited, as he’s thinking of launching a new program that merges environmental costs into large accounts. China is also working towards recalculating its environmental value.

While the idea may draw torrents of cynicism out of many a green thumb, current strategies are not working and new ideas are needed. However, if tackled badly, the idea may force the environment into becoming further commodified. Conversely, the humble inconspicuous accountant may single-handedly help reevaluate human values and capitalist ideology.

Is this Gaia unleashing her ultimate secret weapon to save us from ourselves? The accountant – a careful design of evolution, a warrior/wizard that’s been waiting for this moment, all these years. Such a great disguise too – the most unlikely of heroes. The solider of Gaia.

Professor Himelich Honk, from the Alternative Palaeontological Enterprise (APE), is reportedly in glee over the Japanese proclamation, as he is now being taken seriously. His evidence of ancient ties, found deep within Malaysia’s Taman Negara, the world’s oldest rainforest, has finally led to the publication of his book ‘The Accountant is Here, We Are Saved!’

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