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France Discharges Rotten Egg Smell onto England
Ever since William the Conqueror became king of England in 1066, France and England have had a rather pungent loathing of each other. However, while often diluted, such malodour has exploded into putrid abhorrence after a major French gas leak projected a rotten egg smell onto the chip-loving nation, tainting thousands and causing a major…
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Scientists Outraged as Party Balloons Cause Helium Shortage
Regarded as needless by the U.S at the end of the 90’s, the world’s helium supply has since largely been blasted up party balloons and into people’s mouths for a bit of light hearted fun. Now, however, scientists regard the world’s dwindling supply as no laughing matter, as helium is increasingly used for medical scanners,…
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Second Spring Throws English Nature into Confusion
It appears English nature has had quite enough of the same old song, and has decided it’s high time to blend some late autumn hues with the colourful beats of summer. Dragonflies are naughtily running amok, and spring flowers are vying for the party to go on, all while gaudy trinkets and Santa hats are…
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Training a Racehorse to Run Faster Through Jet Lag
A startling new discovery that could blow the program right out of a punter’s pants has seen horses maintain maximum speed for an additional 25 seconds under conditions similar to jet lag. The study, led by Bristol University and including Roger Short from the University of Melbourne, monitored seven thoroughbreds on high-speed treadmills in light…
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Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery of the ‘Lost’ Novel
One hundred and twenty-eight years ago, in a British blunder blameworthy of literary treason, the country’s postal service misplaced the first ever novel written by Arthur Conan Doyle, author of the much beloved Sherlock Holmes stories. The manuscript was lost, “never to be found again”. However Doyle recopied the work, entitled ‘The Narrative of John…
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Squatters Threaten The Royal Wedding
Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Beauty and the Beast, and the transformation of a cup cake into fecal matter, cities too, have both a beautiful and an ugly side. This is never more apparent than at Westminster Abbey, where sooty squatters brandishing yellow fingernails and caricatures of the Queen are sitting just weeks before…
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The True Life Story of the Englishman – An Average Tale
Amongst the varied and numerous animals inhabiting the globe, lies a curious creature, the Englishman. This often apologetic species, found in the more somber corners of the world, has been historically unpredictable in their contribution to both self and world evolution. From splashes of sheer brilliance – such as the submarine, Francis Drake and The…
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Fox Evicted From Tallest Building in London
Residing at the top of the tallest building in London is a luxury outside the means of many, but not, it seems, for a six month old red fox, who revelled in his city fantasy for an entire fortnight before being evicted. Dubbed ‘Romeo’ by his rescuers, this enterprising young fox coasted through the front…
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Ghost Sightings Force Theme Park Ride to Relocate
On a typical day at an English construction site, one would expect to experience hard hats, brickie’s bums and mounds of chips smothered in beans and cheese – not headless monks, moving objects and sudden feelings of coldness. However such were the reports coming from workers at Thorpe Park, an amusement park in Surrey, England,…
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Catholic Church Issues Guide to End Witchcraft and Spells
An immense spiritual rift is thundering across civilised England, propelling young women towards the cauldrons of the underworld. Meanwhile, the Catholic Church is watching, as fear and paranoia steadily grow within its great walls. For once a seed is planted, it will grow. This seed, according to the Catholic Church, has stemmed from Harry Potter,…
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Revenge of the Fox
The comely appearance of the sharp-witted fox has thrust it into the spotlight, in a world where it would be better off hidden. For the fox likes to steal, and up the stakes for good sport. It also knows it’s easier to steal than hunt when the going gets tough. This provides for a good…
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The Secret Life of a Lonely Old Lady
The English seaside town of Torquay, once home to the exalted Agatha Christie, has produced another thriller, although one that is decidedly less known. On September 2nd, 89 year old Eileen Nearne reached the end of her life, passing away in her small flat. She had no known relatives or friends, preferring a cloistered existence…
