The True Life Story of the Englishman – An Average Tale

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By Andy T

True life story - the englishmanAmongst the varied and numerous animals inhabiting the globe, lies a curious creature, the Englishman.

This often apologetic species, found in the more somber corners of the world, has been historically unpredictable in their contribution to both self and world evolution.

From splashes of sheer brilliance – such as the submarine, Francis Drake and The Beatles, to shameful acts of cultural degradation – such as Gordon Brown, the toad in the hole, and the Speckled Hen (warm flat beer), the Englishman is a hard one to pin down.

And if the latest research is anything to go by, the life and times of the Englishman continue to be as fascinating as they are absurd.

Latest figures reveal that during his lifetime, the average Englishman will spend 11 years in front of the TV, and 10,500 hours inside a pub. Furthermore, he will mate with nine partners, waste one month looking for socks, and will learn how to cook four meals by watching the TV.

The average Englishman also earns £28,270 per year. Of this, he will spend £570 on designer clothes, £1,144 on beer, £2,001 shopping online, £2,189 on gadgets and £417 eating out each year.

Research also indicates the Englishman regards this lifestyle as lazy and feels somewhat guilty about it, as he is reputed to say sorry 1.9 million times during his lifetime.

However, this guilt hasn’t appeared to stop this curious fellow from descending further into cultural decadence, as 70% of Englishmen reportedly fit the ‘hunter profile’ when it comes to shopping. Here the accumulation of useless goodies is a way of displaying wealth, power and social status within the community.

While many regard these actions as ignorant, others see them as the necessary survival techniques of a creature subjected to a particularly soggy and doleful environment.

However, Crimson Svarney, yogi master from the renown temple of Kamali, says this so called habitual behaviour should not be dismissed as British boneheadedness. He says activities such as lengthy sock hunting and staring at pub dartboards are not only therapeutic, but encompass some of the most profound meditation techniques in the cosmos.

4 thoughts on “The True Life Story of the Englishman – An Average Tale”

  1. Beloved Andy,
    How joyous that the ancient sock meditations are back in vogue! We practice daily many of the mysteries of the sacred sock. Once outcasts in the spiritual world we are on the rise. At present we not only knit socks we ponder their holes and strange disappearances. Our Order still initiates some to the rites of the Golden Sock. In these rites a pair of golden socks is the gift, the initiate must ‘find’ the third golden sock. May you find it in this lifetime, love and absolutions Lama Po

    • Dear lama po,

      I thank you most earnestly for you message of encouragement, that I may find this third golden sock. This gives me much hope, for my flipper like appendages have given me much trouble with sock holes, and I am also constantly losing them. The knowledge that this mystery is shared by many gives me great comfort.

  2. Andy Bro’,
    a most enjoyable tail as I sit sockless in the now cooling Freo town.
    Keep up the good work old chap and tally ho ho to you and your family.
    See you soon …. love and laughs Arshi
    Ps time for my sock meditation


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