Catholic Church Issues Guide to End Witchcraft and Spells

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By Andy T

witchcraft and spellsAn immense spiritual rift is thundering across civilised England, propelling young women towards the cauldrons of the underworld. Meanwhile, the Catholic Church is watching, as fear and paranoia steadily grow within its great walls. For once a seed is planted, it will grow.

This seed, according to the Catholic Church, has stemmed from Harry Potter, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and a spate of other popular neo-pagan fantasy films, all which allegedly encourage youngsters to participate in the dark arts.

The claims have arisen after a purported surge in young women participating in Wicca activities. Quick to mitigate such evils, the Catholic Church have released an instructional book, entitled ‘Wicca and Witchcraft: Understanding the Dangers’.

The handbook, written by former Oxford Wiccan Elizabeth Dodd, who is now converted to the faith, instructs the reader how to “evangelise a witch”. The book mentions that witchcraft may arise amongst friends, in a pub, or in front of the TV, and should not be dismissed as mere “broomstick buffoonery”.

In fact, the book suggests that young women, once on this path, are likely to cascade into a diabolical spiral, only to wind up hanging out with occult superstars such as Aleister Crowley. However, the book also states that such women are ultimately on a spiritual quest, and therefore can be converted.

This predictably swift and firm response from the Catholic Church, while well meant, has ignited outrage from social fantasy groups across the country.

Wayne ‘wand master’ Finnigan, head of the Harry Potter Midweek Social Club (HPMSC), says the news has smothered the revelry of socially inept eccentrics nationwide. He says not only does one now have to be guarded when meeting for lunch with crystal balls, but embroiderers, pyromaniacs and base jumpers, who rely on the group, are steadily rocketing towards bankruptcy.

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