Funtik The Psychic Pig Disturbed By Topless Feminist

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By Andy T

Funtik-psychic-pigWith the 2010 World Cup there was Paul the English octopus. Now, with Euro 2012, there’s Nelly the German elephant, Ya Ya the Polish dolphin, Nicholas the English llama, Yvonne the German cow, Maya the Spanish otter and Funtik the Ukraine pig.

However, unlike his football forecasting friends, Funtik recently had a Ukranian woman burst into his pen, flop out her breasts and yell “f*@k Euro 2012” during his regular afternoon meal.

The woman was 31-year-old Olexandra Nemchinova, who stood by Funtik’s bowl of slop for several minutes, wobbling and rattling off abuse at the Ukraine and Poland run Euro 2012 tournament before being handed over to police.

Nemchinova was representing feminist group Femen, who regularly carries out topless protests to highlight the growth of the sex industry in Ukraine. Presently it’s targeting Euro 2012, which it says “feeds sex tourism”.

A statement later released by Femen said the region’s football culture is “a cattle pen for deceived fans who are seduced by swill in the form of beer and mindless entertainment”.

Funtik, who is given two bowls daily to eat from, each marked with a team’s flag, appeared pig placid after the bare breasted bonanza. He simply sniffed Ms Nemchinova’s blouse before thrusting his snout into both bowls, inhaling all but the porcelain.

Typically a dubious psychic, Funtik scoffed from the Portugal bowl first this time before the team went on to win their match 1-0.

While many are outraged by Femen’s actions, Dickery Dickinson, head of the Pigskin Pounding Party (PPP), says they are most welcome in the filthy arena of the ‘man cave’, a place where pigskins, pigs, pints and the potent power of paternal pleasure are a valued part of society.

In such a place, a pair of boobs can add a sweet scent to the air.

“They really made my day”, he said.

2 thoughts on “Funtik The Psychic Pig Disturbed By Topless Feminist”

  1. Dickery Dickinson, head of the Pigskin Pounding Party (PPP) says he loved it….

    …surely not. I’m crying with laughter at how well that rolls off my tongue (I’m going to pop my stitches)

    The Fox Gazette has made my day!

    You’re the makings of a Literary Genius – do you walk around with a dictaphone?


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